Times are a changin'

Haven't posted for awhile, but considering this is my personal diary... who cares??

:)

The MAJOR news is that I got the call and two weeks ago Jacob and I gave notice at our apartment, gave notice at work and started packing.

We are now living in a cardboard jungle.  We are in our last two days of work!!  I'm excited, scared, exhilarated... but mostly just REALLY EXCITED.

When we moved to Oregon 3 years ago I didn't know what was going to happen.  I didn't know if we were going to get married, or if we were going to get jobs or if we were going to stay in Oregon.  We both looked at eachother and said "let's give it a try for a couple years."  3 years and 4 months later, here we are - about to say goodbye and head back to the sunshine state. 

And I know it's right.  Many people may wonder - why go back when you wanted to leave a couple years ago?  There is no easy answer - as you know - life is complicated like that. 

there comes a time in every adult adoptee's life...

So this is the inevitable blog that I imagine every adoptee either writes, thinks or talks about at one time in their adult life.  I was born in Seoul, South Korea on June 10, 1980.  My birth name was Yun Jin Kang.  My mother relinquished rights to me in 1982.  I stayed at an orphanage in Seoul until my adoption was finalized in 1983 and I came to the United States.  In the end I became Marika Michelle Lucas and was adopted by Nancy and Tony Lucas in August of 1983.  I became a United States citizen on July 4, 1984 in Seattle WA.  My picture actually made it into the Seattle Times holding an American flag.

Fast forward to 2011.  I am now 30 (and turning 31 in two weeks).  I am now married. 

For the first time in my life I have made "Korean" friends in probably the most comfortable way for an adoptee like myself - they are also adult adoptees from Korea.  We share so many common experiences regarding identity and personal journeys that I truly feel are unique to Korean American Adoptees. 

I find it ironic that I didn't connect to this group until I was 29 and now that I am finally forming some great relationships I am about to move to another state.  I know this much - these relationships are important to me and that I am also getting closer to having the personal courage to start my own birth family search.

Birth family search.  So easy to say... SO hard to take action.  I started paperwork to begin the search two years ago.  It has remained on my laptop in "draft" form.  I can't even begin to write my personal "introductory" family letter.

I admit that a large part of my angst about finding my birth family comes at a transition in life.  My husband and I are planning on starting a family and I have become more curious about what if any biological family I have in the world.  Do the look like me?  Did I get this or that ability from them?  Will I recognize them as family when I see them?  Will they recognize me?  There is a lot of fear and anxiety involved.  The underlying fear that I, and I think many adoptees have, is... what if they never want to have contact with me?  What if I find family and they shun me?  My motto has been "have no expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised" - this has served me well.  However I can't help but imagine the "dream" reunion.  I meet them, we instantly bond.  I see that I got my looks from my mother, I see how much my sibiling slook like me, etc.  The reality?  It's so emotional that I can't even face the IDEA of searching without being truly scared.  So I am frozen and treading water in this ocean until I have the courage to cross to the other side. 

mental health day

So I have an admission... the kind of thing you probably shouldn't blog about... but today I played hookie.  On one hand I did have killer allergies that had me tossing an turning all night, on the other hand I was not deathly ill.  All moral considerations aside, I had the most productive (sick) day ever.  I woke up and cleaned the apartment - top to bottom.  I washed my car.  News Flash: Marika washed her car.  This event happens annually.  Big deal because I washed it, detailed it, vacuumed it, and waxed it!  And then I made lunch - quinoa, steamed asparagus, and lightly fried tilapia filet's.  All with the power of Zyrtec, which also inspired me to do crunches and hit the weights for about a half hour.  Not too shabby for a sick day... maybe I should be sick more often?

Yun Jin Kang (aka Marika)
is a blogger on the go. I feel sooooo... high tech. When I started this blog it was because "everyone else is... why not me?". But there is a part of me that feels 1) I should only blog if I have something meaningful to say 2) why blog & share in the first place? Anything I share is ultimately available for worldwide web consumption, right? But who is really listening to my blog? Anyone? Is there anybody out there?

Lady

Lady Medrano, adopted at 3 months (photos coming soon).  I love her to PEICES!!  Although I am losing a lot of sleep over her.  I guess a puppy is kinda like a kid ;-)  We picked her up on Sunday March 27th. 
I keep watching her to make sure there are no in house accidents, watch her to see what she's chewing on and play with her.  She's ADORABLE.  Her Mom is Daisy (not our Daisy girl) and her Dad is Diesel.  She was born in the new year in Salem Oregon.  She is half Razor's Edge and half Gotti. She is a blue-nose and cute as a button.  I finally have my stocky bully blue nose.  She's a beauty but she's already a little monster girl.

Jacob and I are sooo happy to have a puppy girl though :)  We are dog people pho sho.

waiting game

I am playing the waiting game.  I am the first to admit I am very impatient.  But life feels "on hold."  My husband & I are living in a state of suspension.  We are still here... and yet we are emotionally living in the future.  I think it's hard when you know something is coming and you are anticipating it, but you don't know exactly when it will happen. 

Have you noticed that when your situation is about to change, you start to hate everything that is happening in your life?  Your job, your co-workers, where you live, the weather?  I even got annoyed with Jacob this weekend over the most minor things.  I had to take a step back and realize that this was my fear/excitement/anxiousness over the impending move.  I need to just breathe and focus on what is happening in the present.
I am playing the waiting game...

March 15, 2011

March is turning out to be a hectic month.  As I type (while I should be working), I am sitting at my office... which I know I will be leaving in the coming month)... and watching the rain fall outside.  Supposedly we will have funnel clouds (mini tornadoes) and lightening.  Looks like I will be working out in the living room tonight and not running outside.  Days like this remind me why I am SO happy we are moving back to California.

My Mom is leaving for a trip to Vietnam in 5 days.  I am so insanely excited for her, scared for her, and jealous at the same time!!  With the news of  the Japanese Earthquake, Tsunami and nuclear reactor explosions... I get scared to think of any travel to Asia...  My prayers go out to the victims and victim's families impacted by this disaster.  I have a lot of solace in knowing that God has a plan.

My co-worker's son was just killed in a car accident over the weekend.

Our Earthly life is so fragile and fleeting.  Again, in this time of Lent I find a lot of comfort in knowing God is with us every step of the way.  I commit myself to him.  Letting go is the hardest part of being a Christian.

lent

Yesterday was Ash Wesdnesday and I gave up Facebook for 40 days (or until after Easter).

In the past 6 years I have experienced a personal transformation.  From a non-beleiver, to a pseudo spiritual person, to a spiritual person, to a Christian woman.

Christianity is an important part of my life and I strive to be the best Christian I can be.  But it's hard.  It's hard to be Christ like.  During Lent I can give a sacrifice, which is minor when you consider that Christ sacrificed himself so that we would all have eternal salvation. 

While I am on the topic of Christ... I am currently working on a devotional plan of Reading The Bible in one year.  I am on day 12.  It's going to be a great year :)

PS - Started Get Fit 2011 Blog challenge with friends for the next 2 months.  Let's see how FIT I can get.

Stay Fit 2011

So now I am doing a stay fit challenge on blogspot with my friends!  I am excited because right about now in my workout regiment I have plateaud and need that extra push to continue pushing my workout boundaries.

update

So I did zumba and it's a LOT of fun.  I did curb my eating and actually have been focusing on eating less, eating fresh and overall more fruits and veggies.  I have also taken out sodas/juices and replaced with only milk, water, green tea and 2 cups of morning java.  I have also been on my running/weight lifting kick.  Overall since January 1st I have lost roughly 12 lbs?  This is a gestimation since I didn't weigh in for my first two weeks of January.  But as of last night I weighed in at 127 lbs. This is major because I was a college student the last time I was in the 120's.  And I really REALLY want to stay in the 120's.  :)

The hardest thing is maintaining this as a "lifestyle" change.  I think I am "there" but I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't a "diet." 

I have now started to run at least 3 times a week.  I average a 2.5 mile run that takes me roughly 25 minutes.  Feels good.  And kinda addicting.  Next goal is to firm up my abs.

I need to get in shape for the California move baby.

March

So admittedly February was a blur... Jake and I went to California for his cousin Eric's wedding.  We ate a lot of great food (In & Out!  Johnny Shrimp Boat!  Black Angus!).  I also had TWO job interviews with LA County.  Then we came back and we celebrated two awesome years of marriage.

We spent our belated anniversary weekend in Newport OR....

Aldana Family

The Newlyweds (we are only in our 2nd year of marriage!)

Pirates Village

With Jake's adorable Grandma Maria

By the way... I GOT THE JOB.

*** disclaimer - sorry the photos are all out of order on this post.  I am too lazy to fix ;-)

And I want to shout out to my follower!

So apparently this is more like a diary for me.  I started this blog in September as a test more than anything.  Since I have one follower :)  Thanks Shanda! 
I don't write much (or often) but I am finding this to be therapuetic and I am enjoying it.  It is allowing me to be a bit of an exhibitionist and seems to hold me accountable.  Thanks for following my humble blog. 

new year and zumba

I've now joined the legions of zumba crazed folks dying to lose an extra 10 lbs.  It's not just because I was a fatty over the holidays... I've been a gradual fatty for the past 10 years and realized I have probably gained at least 1-1.5lbs per year as a fatty.  2011 goal - to stop being a fatty :)  And it's not just about doing cardio, I gotta work the whole package.  Here are my goals (or steps since I LOVE lists):

Step 1: Zumba
Step 2: Stop eating so much!!
Step 3: Continue to go running
Step 4: weights, crunches, push ups, squats, etc...

Step 1 is actually pretty easy because Zumba is fun and I am enjoying it.  I try not to look at myself in the mirror.  I have NO rhythm.. but otherwise I am loving Zumba.
Step 2 is HARD.  If you know me, you know how I love to eat.  I plan dinner while I eat my lunch.  I ponder the next day's meals at dinnertime.  I love to eat well and I love to cook.  But I need to really nail down "portion control" (as a sidenote.  my coworker just brought in donuts.  maple bars.  Must.Exert.Self.Control.)
Step 3 is OK.  When it's not raining, or cold. Did I mention I live in rainy cold Oregon?  And it's January??
Step 4 is *yawn* a necessity.

Will power.  Just say NO to the donuts.  ZUMBA.  Zumba. zumba.  I can do this :)