there comes a time in every adult adoptee's life...

So this is the inevitable blog that I imagine every adoptee either writes, thinks or talks about at one time in their adult life.  I was born in Seoul, South Korea on June 10, 1980.  My birth name was Yun Jin Kang.  My mother relinquished rights to me in 1982.  I stayed at an orphanage in Seoul until my adoption was finalized in 1983 and I came to the United States.  In the end I became Marika Michelle Lucas and was adopted by Nancy and Tony Lucas in August of 1983.  I became a United States citizen on July 4, 1984 in Seattle WA.  My picture actually made it into the Seattle Times holding an American flag.

Fast forward to 2011.  I am now 30 (and turning 31 in two weeks).  I am now married. 

For the first time in my life I have made "Korean" friends in probably the most comfortable way for an adoptee like myself - they are also adult adoptees from Korea.  We share so many common experiences regarding identity and personal journeys that I truly feel are unique to Korean American Adoptees. 

I find it ironic that I didn't connect to this group until I was 29 and now that I am finally forming some great relationships I am about to move to another state.  I know this much - these relationships are important to me and that I am also getting closer to having the personal courage to start my own birth family search.

Birth family search.  So easy to say... SO hard to take action.  I started paperwork to begin the search two years ago.  It has remained on my laptop in "draft" form.  I can't even begin to write my personal "introductory" family letter.

I admit that a large part of my angst about finding my birth family comes at a transition in life.  My husband and I are planning on starting a family and I have become more curious about what if any biological family I have in the world.  Do the look like me?  Did I get this or that ability from them?  Will I recognize them as family when I see them?  Will they recognize me?  There is a lot of fear and anxiety involved.  The underlying fear that I, and I think many adoptees have, is... what if they never want to have contact with me?  What if I find family and they shun me?  My motto has been "have no expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised" - this has served me well.  However I can't help but imagine the "dream" reunion.  I meet them, we instantly bond.  I see that I got my looks from my mother, I see how much my sibiling slook like me, etc.  The reality?  It's so emotional that I can't even face the IDEA of searching without being truly scared.  So I am frozen and treading water in this ocean until I have the courage to cross to the other side.