Almost 12 weeks!

I am three days away from reaching the 12 week mark in pregnancy.  I am really excited to almost be there and also a little apprehensive of what the next 6 months will hold.  And beyond that - the next lifetime of Baby Medrano!

Who knew that motherhood worries begin when the baby is barely a twinkle in your eye.  I found out I was pregnant when I was a mere 5 weeks.  Now at 12 weeks the reality is sinking in.  Could it be the constant morning sickness?  The fatigue?  The baby crib my inlaws already purchased for us?  I'm already worrying about what kind of world my baby will be born into.  What neighborhood has the best schools?  How exactly will my back to work schedule look like post-baby?  What kind of Mom will I be?  Will my baby look like me?

On another interesting front I mailed in my official "birth family search request" to WACAP.  I have little to no expectations of finding anything.  But it was a big step to start the search and I feel good that I mailed it in. 

It's an odd thing to explain to non-adoptees... but there is something really powerful to know I am having a baby and for the first time in my adult life... will be with another person who shares my blood.  I find comfort in that. 

New Beginning

Well world, today marks a momentum moment in the life of Marika.  I am 10 weeks pregnant!  New life begins here.  As you may know, Jacob and I have been wanting this for awhile, but it happened so unexpectedly... which is usually what happens, right?

So here we are today, and I'm slowly making in through my first trimester.  Cautious, excited and scared.  On top of everything else I have recently learned I am a diabetic so it has added a wrinkle into this whole pregnancy thing.

Everything they say about pregnancy (and more) is true.  I was nauseous for about 3 weeks straight and pretty much dead to the world.  I have gas, bloating, and heartburn!  I am also perpetually tired.  And that thing called Pregnancy brain?  It's true!  One moment I'm happy, the next I'm sad.  And please don't ask me to try and remember our conversation, even if it was 2 minutes ago.  And because of the diabetes I can't really do the whole ice cream and pickles routine (sugar and salt). 

So two life changes - learning I am a diabetic which will be lifelong.  I need to keep my sugars in check.  And while I am scared about what it all means, I am determined to be the best manager of my health.  I want to live a long, healthy and as drug free possible lifestyle as possible. 

On a sidenote, I am feeling well taken care of by my high risk pre-natal team.  And my blood sugar numbers are good.

Pregnant!  At 32.  Who knew.  I am utterly amazed, and so happy!!!  I will post ultrasound pics one of these days...

new chapter

Life is FULL of irony. Life is FULL of surprises. Since leading a faith based life, I put it in God's hands. Easier said... then done!!

I had a major scare in December- January. I thought I might be pregnant but while I want a baby and soon... the timing was NOT right. Then I wasn't pregnant... but my period did not come. Then onto the panic phase:

What is wrong with me?

Such a whirlwind of emotions.

Then. My period came. And I was so happy because that means (I hope) I'm normal! Hooray!

But this crazy series of events has made clear to me:
1) I need to practice better methods until I want to be pregnant
2) I want to be pregnant
3) I'm not ready to be pregnant yet

How confusing. That IS life.

Happy New Year

Year of the dragon! Although I'm not Chinese I have been asked if I am Filipino or Chinese on a regular basis.
Inevitably this is by a person of some Asian descent and as they guess they finally come to the truth: Korean.

What has been slowing brewing - like a fine wine... is my desire to seek out my Korean roots, get in touch with my
"Korean" roots and get in touch with my birth family - if any exists.

Maybe the year of the dragon 2012 is it. Maybe this is when I seize the opportunity.

Times are a changin'

Haven't posted for awhile, but considering this is my personal diary... who cares??

:)

The MAJOR news is that I got the call and two weeks ago Jacob and I gave notice at our apartment, gave notice at work and started packing.

We are now living in a cardboard jungle.  We are in our last two days of work!!  I'm excited, scared, exhilarated... but mostly just REALLY EXCITED.

When we moved to Oregon 3 years ago I didn't know what was going to happen.  I didn't know if we were going to get married, or if we were going to get jobs or if we were going to stay in Oregon.  We both looked at eachother and said "let's give it a try for a couple years."  3 years and 4 months later, here we are - about to say goodbye and head back to the sunshine state. 

And I know it's right.  Many people may wonder - why go back when you wanted to leave a couple years ago?  There is no easy answer - as you know - life is complicated like that. 

there comes a time in every adult adoptee's life...

So this is the inevitable blog that I imagine every adoptee either writes, thinks or talks about at one time in their adult life.  I was born in Seoul, South Korea on June 10, 1980.  My birth name was Yun Jin Kang.  My mother relinquished rights to me in 1982.  I stayed at an orphanage in Seoul until my adoption was finalized in 1983 and I came to the United States.  In the end I became Marika Michelle Lucas and was adopted by Nancy and Tony Lucas in August of 1983.  I became a United States citizen on July 4, 1984 in Seattle WA.  My picture actually made it into the Seattle Times holding an American flag.

Fast forward to 2011.  I am now 30 (and turning 31 in two weeks).  I am now married. 

For the first time in my life I have made "Korean" friends in probably the most comfortable way for an adoptee like myself - they are also adult adoptees from Korea.  We share so many common experiences regarding identity and personal journeys that I truly feel are unique to Korean American Adoptees. 

I find it ironic that I didn't connect to this group until I was 29 and now that I am finally forming some great relationships I am about to move to another state.  I know this much - these relationships are important to me and that I am also getting closer to having the personal courage to start my own birth family search.

Birth family search.  So easy to say... SO hard to take action.  I started paperwork to begin the search two years ago.  It has remained on my laptop in "draft" form.  I can't even begin to write my personal "introductory" family letter.

I admit that a large part of my angst about finding my birth family comes at a transition in life.  My husband and I are planning on starting a family and I have become more curious about what if any biological family I have in the world.  Do the look like me?  Did I get this or that ability from them?  Will I recognize them as family when I see them?  Will they recognize me?  There is a lot of fear and anxiety involved.  The underlying fear that I, and I think many adoptees have, is... what if they never want to have contact with me?  What if I find family and they shun me?  My motto has been "have no expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised" - this has served me well.  However I can't help but imagine the "dream" reunion.  I meet them, we instantly bond.  I see that I got my looks from my mother, I see how much my sibiling slook like me, etc.  The reality?  It's so emotional that I can't even face the IDEA of searching without being truly scared.  So I am frozen and treading water in this ocean until I have the courage to cross to the other side. 

mental health day

So I have an admission... the kind of thing you probably shouldn't blog about... but today I played hookie.  On one hand I did have killer allergies that had me tossing an turning all night, on the other hand I was not deathly ill.  All moral considerations aside, I had the most productive (sick) day ever.  I woke up and cleaned the apartment - top to bottom.  I washed my car.  News Flash: Marika washed her car.  This event happens annually.  Big deal because I washed it, detailed it, vacuumed it, and waxed it!  And then I made lunch - quinoa, steamed asparagus, and lightly fried tilapia filet's.  All with the power of Zyrtec, which also inspired me to do crunches and hit the weights for about a half hour.  Not too shabby for a sick day... maybe I should be sick more often?